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Today was a good day. I think I’m coming closer to figuring out why figuring out life is no longer necessary. I had my Math Class tonight, and it felt good to learn Math. I could feel the brain moving in different directions…neurons firing in patters that are new. Or maybe the patterns were really old. Borrowed patterns. The homework wasn’t collected. My teacher said that today’s homework will never be collected. But I felt good instead of cheated. I felt like I learned something by doing it. OH RIGHT. This reminds me about what I was thinking about last night. It had to do with Buddhism. I intuitively sense that Buddha is guiding me on a path out of the burning building. It’s almost like he’s tricking me out of the burning building. But now that I’ve read the Lotus Sutra and I’ve let it sink in for a couple years. I can actually see the trick. And I like that Buddha devised an Expedient Device for getting me out of the burning building. But now that I’m watching myself exit the building, I can see that the doorway and the patio and the courtyard are all illusions. And what’s really happening is that I am entering a new building. But this time the fire is different, the situation has changed. At this moment I am taking a special time to thank all the teachers in my life who have been, currently are, or ever will be. I see now that every second has wisdom, just a small voice. There’s something to be said about not giving up. I think that is key. But also choosing your battles as well. When I think about who I really am, I often see myself in the mirror, checking to see how yellow my teeth have become from all the Venti Latte’s that I drink. Wanting to have discipline. My true self is pretty rough. Not very polished yet. You can’t bluff Math class. That’s why I like it. I have to do the work and if I get the concepts, then I get an A-ha moment. But without the work there is limited wisdom. By doing the studying, I was completing a vow I made to myself. And by completing the vow to learn the Math. I feel good. Forming habits out of vows are just as important as breaking habits of mistake laden practices. It’s all about choosing what kind of zone you want to live and experience life in. Your mind creates the zone but there is some lag, some delay. When I change my mind to do something, my body has to catch up and that can be chemically and emotionally challenging to make the change in the mind stick because the body wants other things.

Oops. I guess it’s Thursday now. Didn’t realize how late it was.

-Tyler

As I stand looking down at the past. I see a great wave approaching. It is a dark wave, something made of black and blues. It seems to grow within and without itself as if to speak with age old tones and simple harmonies. With an outstretched arm I attempt to feel the cold air. It is damp and crisp, yet humid. My hair is short but it collects spats of water cooling my hot skin. I try to pull away from the wave, as if to rip apart from the universe itself. But I am already overtaken by the black water. Thinking I would be swimming and sloshed upon the deluge, I am surprised to find that the wave has passed…only to fill the air with its sound. I look up and see the tail of the wave. It is like a great comet or serpent, splashing upon the sky with fervor and grace. As I close my hand and retract my arm, I unwittingly grab space and time and pull it like a sheet up toward my chest. Stars shine through the night sky in adoration. They know that something true and worthy has happened. For accidents of innocent fate are the key to impressing and arousing the curiosity and adoration of the heavens. So they watch. Time moves like a song, with ebbs and flow. The cold air is replaced by a warm wind. I can feel pockets of pressure like a topographic map shows elevation. They are explaining themselves to me. How arrogant was I…to expect that they existed like I do. To think that they had similar bodies or minds. “Let us teach you, let us watch you…” So I close my eyes, and feel the wind. It rushes past my fingers, and I sense intensity and expedience. It slows and whistles and I sense decay and eventual death. But as the emptiness of sound and touch weighs upon my consciousness, time begins to lose its grasp. I begin to question how long I have been under. I look to the stars and they seem to have moved. I look closer and they blink and shimmer, toying me for trying to directly scrutinize or understand them. “We are not here to help you.” I feel anger in my stomach and I arch my back to get a closer look in defiance, only to slip on the cliff that I was standing on. I fall to the rocky ground, painfully. But in that instant of pain I feel security. For I have felt something. In the absence of external sensation and anchors of  reality, I had created my own beacon to cling to. So I laid there for a while laughing in a small way, a chuckle of sorts. Then as the wind began to flow over me again, clouds past by the stars making them pulse and blink. I took a relaxed breath through my nose and filled my chest with air. There was no escape. There was no reprieve. There was only the now. So since I had all the time in the world, I decided to stand up. Maybe I’ll walk in a straight line until the universe sends me back where I started. The wind gently helped me stand. And since I felt cold, I wrapped the sheet of the wave around my body like a cape. I felt proud. The wind filled the cloak of time and made my walk have something human, something special to it, that I couldn’t describe unless I was mad man trying to argue with the gods about purposefulness. So I went forward and kept my back toward the wind. And the stars blinked when I looked up and hid when I looked down. And we were silent companions in the night.

Tyler Stansfield Jaggers

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

1:33 AM

Click here to check out Nephilim on Wikipedia

Ok so there’s Nephilim creatures now? I thought it was bad enough to have lizard people running around. And Aliens doing their thing. But now people are saying that there were giants in Biblical times that were descendants from angel/human unions? I was listening to this one radio show where the dude was talking about how people are made in the image of an alien influence. I don’t think I believe that…but at the same time, “YA NEVER KNOW!” So what are these Nephilim creatures and what do they want? Well I think that some blogs say that the Nephilim were basically giants that were born from the union of Angels and human females. I guess the angels thought that human women were pretty attractive so they mated with them. If that’s the case, why don’t angels come down and mate with human women nowadays? Is it today’s fashion? Maybe the angels aren’t into mini-skirts? Or maybe they don’t like plastic surgery. They only want all natural women.

Here is a YouTube series with Michael Tsarion. He talks about these creatures and how people have lost touch with their emotions and their humanity.

What is the purpose of Human Existence?

What is the purpose of human existence? As I sit on plenty of fish.com browsing through people I question why I do what I do. How come we need 8 hours of sleep but when we really NEED to wake up for something, it’s usually no problem. I’m Buddhist, so I should be able to define human existence through Buddhist thinking and terminology. But deep down at my core I believe that Buddha would want me to define my human existence through my own path and actions. Sure there is the goal of enlightenment, but there is a whole lot of stuff in between today and perfect enlightenment…or not? Part of me thinks one purpose of human existence is to survive. That’s why I’m so inspired by new technology like Space Based Solar Power and urban farms the technology will help humanity to survive in the years to come. From what I’ve read of the Lotus Sutra and excerpts from the Diamond Sutra I get that life is about not desiring things, that includes enlightenment itself. Could it be by not desiring enlightenment, that we become more enlightened? Now I don’t mean desiring ignorance, but I’m thinking about becoming comfortable with oneness instead of seeking something.

Today I took a nap face down on my stomach and I had an out of body experience. I could see myself. I’m not sure if I was seeing myself sleeping or if I was watching myself in a dream. But I definitely remember thinking to myself that I was outside my own body. I remember being very tired when I took the nap. It was after taking a shower and I felt like I had zero energy. Like I was drained of my own spirit and I needed to rest in order to have it put back in me. But I felt as if my spirit didn’t come from within me. It was almost as if my spiritual energy came from some other place outside like a void or from the universe itself. Yes, I was watching my recharge process happen. Is this process of taking energy from somewhere else part of our purpose? Maybe human beings are nothing more than bipedal trees, planting seeds of mobile energy across the Earth.

Now that I think about it, I bet a big part of the purpose of human existence is not worrying about human existence. But I’m not really worrying about it right now, I ate some brownies and I’m more just mulling it over. I like blogging with you. I feel like we are sharing a connection right now. Part of what I strive for is connection, that can be shared through writing. Sharing is a key to our existence. It’s what makes the whole thing worth while. I loving sharing and debating spiritual things. Some people don’t like debating, but I feel that if we can pull back from our beliefs and not be so personal all the time we can see our beliefs outside ourselves and find out why we believe what we believe. Why do some things strike harder than others spiritually?

I’m listening to Monkey Radio right now. The music is really good. Good writing music. Some people say that there is no real purpose to human existence. That we exist because we evolved this way and when we die that’s it. Just a blip. That just bums me out. Every spiritual experience I’ve ever had makes me think that there is more to us than just blips. Jen made a comment a few days ago that she was a Pisces. That totally made my day! I love that! I want to know what people’s astrological signs are. So what if there are only twelve astrological signs and if everybody had the same reading per sign then that would mean 1/12 of the human population would be going through the exact same relationship and financial issues for that month? Does it matter? It’s fun. It’s fun to know that we have things in common and that there are things that make us special yet similar. For example, I am a Cancer sign. Jen said she is a Pisces. So even tho I’m a crustacean and she’s a fish we both live in the water. How cool is that? Lemme check something…YEP, we are both water signs with the element of water. I had a feeling that was the case.

I don’t think human existence is supposed to be a big serious deal. Think about work and school. There will always be work, or school or something that takes up your time. There is no real avoiding the fact that our society is set up to drain as much time from the day as possible. Take a look at commuting from place to place or eating. Eating and sleeping takes up so much time per day. It’s like we spend most of our time on auto-pilot. And honestly, I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing. Auto pilot and cruise control has its place every once in a while. I guess one purpose for human existence could be to enjoy time contemplating human purpose itself. It feels good. Totally not stressful. I’m writing on my laptop on the kitchen table again, but I feel as if I could be writing in a parchment journal on a hill of dandelions on a spring day. There’s a bliss that comes with appreciating humanity that is easily attained by slowing down and being willing to face the pleasant unknown. That’s part of the puzzle. Interpretation. The unknown doesn’t always have to be interpreted as a fearful void. The unknown can be this fuzzy thing that if you don’t stare at anything but you keep your eyes straight and open you see this vortex in your vision. I see it sometimes. It’s as if there is a point where a mirage looks like it is being pulled to a specific place in space. But that point or vertex changes depending on where I’m looking. I saw that vortex once when I had a near-death experience, it was huge. I could see it wherever I looked. But I wasn’t afraid of it. It was almost like I was prepared to see it and it was waiting for me. To this day I really have no idea what that vortex is.

-Tyler