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Everybody knows Caffeine is a drug. It does psychoactive stuff to your brain and the rest of your body. Click here to find out more about caffeine. But what many people don’t realize is that not only is caffeine a drug that changes how your mind and body works, but that caffeine is a scam. I have worked in about 4 coffee shops in my lifetime and I have witnessed the effects of caffeine on people first hand. And I have come to realize something. The addictive nature isn’t the main part of the scam with caffeine, the true scam is how the drug tricks the user into thinking he or she is gaining energy. Now you may be thinking, “What are you talking about? I drink coffee every day. It totally gives me energy.” Well sir, in fact it’s not. It’s just tricking your delicate brain into thinking you have energy. What’s the difference? The difference is that your body is still enduring fatigue when you are tired, and when you drink coffee it masks that fatigue. But when the effects of the caffeine wears off, your body is still tired, if not more so. And the first reaction to this feeling of tiredness usually is, “I need some coffee to wake up!”

Now here’s where the scam comes in. Caffeine is a totally socially acceptable stimulant. So while cigarettes are generally accepted in the USA as something that kills you. Caffeine is considered a normal part of everyday life. I for the most part drink coffee or espresso or tea as part of an almost daily ritual. When I don’t do it I feel a little off. A little cloudy. And it can be a single sip of a latte that changes my entire mood. I am totally scammed by this stuff. But here’s the main part of the scam. People have become socially programmed to thinking that feeling awake, alert, and ready to work is the preferred way to feel. Why do we want to feel awake? Because that’s how you get work done, especially work that you don’t actually want to do. And double especially tedious work that requires concentration. And triple especially work that you hate.

Do you remember what you used to drink while writing school papers? I bet it was caffeinated. What about when you want to get sexual with your partner? Do you want to drink a cup of coffee? Not usually. I bet you would want to either drink alcohol or else not drink anything at all.

So for there to be a successful scam, there needs to be a con-man and a mark. The mark is usually the dude who gets scammed. And the con-man is the guy who get’s what he wants by defrauding the mark. And there are sometimes shills who stick around for the ride and help the scam go along by agreeing with the con-man or by pretending to get scammed themselves.   You are going to hate this part. The ultimate part of The Caffeine Scam is that the average person is a little bit greedy. Now I’m not talking about financial greed here, the greed I’m talking about is greed about time. People want more of it. And caffeine is a substance that can make you feel like you have more alert time, more awake time. So what do coffee shops do? They stay open pretty late. People get work done at coffee shops because caffeine is associated with productivity. COME ON, productivity? We’re talking about a substance that is created by plants in order to kill bugs! Caffeine is a natural pesticide. We are drinking plant poison in order to get buzzed. We are defrauding ourselves out of much needed rest.

Think about what would happen if the caffeine was not in our food and drinks for a week or so. People would go nuts! Imagine office workers and worst of all, COPS WITHOUT CAFFEINE. No thank you. This is basically a Scam to keep people working and buzzed all day so they do tedious things for years. The funny part is, even though I know this is a total scam, I drink coffee or espresso every day. It is kind of like being mugged by the same guy everyday. You know he is going to mug you when you reach 4th street and Vine. But it gives you a little rush in the morning so you go the same way anyway. This who caffeine process is masochistic at best.

One time I was working at a coffee shop and some dude walked into the store and ordered a large cup of 13 shots of espresso. I was a little confused. “Did you know that you can basically explode from the inside out if you do this too often?” I thought to myself. I asked my co-worker how I was supposed to ring up 13 shots on the register and he told me that the customer usually only got charged for 3 or 4 shots. I was like, “Are you kidding me? This man obviously has a problem.” Then I saw his teeth. My teeth have gotten yellowed by my coffee intake. But this gentleman’s teeth were cracked and falling apart and were literally yellow-grey and stained with coffee. His skin was blotchy and all messed up. He looked like he was decrepifying right before my very eyes. I felt sorry for him and I didn’t even want to sell to him because I felt like I was helping to feed his problem. But I remember I sold him the drink anyway because I needed the job for the money and I didn’t want to get fired. That made me an accomplice.

Why do some people tip at a coffee shop like they are at a bar? It’s not because they are nice. It’s because they’re addicted.

Ever wonder why coffee is free for employees in many cases? It’s because it gets you buzzed and you work a little harder.

Sad Truth

The funny part is, most of the employees that I meet who work at coffee shops are extremely nice and fun people. That makes going to coffee shops and spending money a lot of fun. It’s the people that seal the deal on the whole experience. It’s one thing to get buzzed by a beverage, but it is another thing to talk with friendly people at the same time. I don’t know if you ever played the game, “The Sims” but in that game if you drank coffee your energy levels would increase at the expense of your bladder statistics. If you drank too much espresso you were at risk of peeing in your pants which I found disturbing whenever that happened to my character. But if you can increase your energy levels and also increase your social levels at the same time then the whole ritual of getting coffee is good for someone who is trying to be productive and advance through life. Well, real life isn’t that different. One reason why I go to coffee shops and have such a great time talking with the employees and baristas is because social aptitude and swagger is something that needs to be practiced. If you don’t talk to people for extended periods of time you get a little rusty with your social skills. That’s why hermits are often such uncomfortable people.

Here’s something funny. Some people actually get migraines when they don’t get their caffeine. What’s the third ingredient in many migraine medicines? You guessed it! Caffeine. We have entire populations hooked on an relatively unregulated substance that has withdrawal symptoms. Why get a population hooked to something like opium and have them chill in lounges and dens all day when you can get an entire working planet addicted to caffeine and keep them productive at the same time.

Caffeine is in most sodas. What is the point of putting that in soda? It doesn’t make it taste better. I think the point is like this…If you are going to drink a can full of liquefied sugar, why not make it fizz, and while we’re at it, why not make it addictive too. Fizzy addictive sugar.

I was going to write a paragraph on how caffeine is a giant conspiracy but I think I’ll need some coffee for that.

-Tyler