The Rainforest reminds me of music
I have this strange habit of needing to “earn” my most pleasurable music listening sessions. One would think that listening to the best and most enjoyable music would be second nature. But in fact, my most treasured albums like The Future Sound of London’s “A Gigantic Burst of Antistatic” are only listened to every few weeks or so. This is strange because I literally love that album. I realized something was odd when I turned the album on a few minutes ago and thought to myself, “Why don’t I listen to this everyday?” The answer is: Because deep down I feel like I need to earn the enjoyment I get from this music. And the main way that I “earn” such experiences is through experiencing unpleasantness or hard work. I guess there is some sort of equilibrium that is reached when listening to music. When I feel really drained I like to listen to The Future Sound of London because it regenerates me. But what’s up with the need to earn good listening sessions?
The answer to the question probably reveals more about self-worth than I’d like to admit. But I question it all the same. It almost boils down to a more simple question, “Am I worthy of feeling the way that I truly want to feel?” And what are those feelings anyway? The first things that come to mind are feeling at least somewhat in control, tranquility, focus, relation, accuracy and competence. It is so easy to be distracted, so easy to backslide. Frustration and the desire to force things are energy levels that I fall into when I am not mindful of my emotions. But the idea that emotions and worthiness are somehow linked intrigues me. Maybe the trick isn’t necessarily knowing that I’m worthy of feeling the emotions that I want to feel. But instead, I must simply accept the emotions as one would accept a gift from an old friend. There is no reason to judge or reciprocate. The simple acceptance of the gift is thanks enough.
So if the music listening sessions are pleasurable and I don’t know if I truly earned them or not, then that means I should make a point to have the sessions. Because the end result of the music feeds the behavior and mindset and emotions that are needed and required to experience the self worth. And that in of itself propagates a positive demeanor. It is kind of like the journey of enlightenment and freedom from desire. Isn’t the goal of enlightenment a desire in itself? The more I think about it the less I believe so.
Enlightenment is a natural state.
-Tyler