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Back with my brethren, In the field of green, It was once red and ripe, The taste of victory, Our spirits are one, With the stones of the ancients, We rest-yet are alert at our posts, Here we shall laugh and raise our goblets, And spill wine unto the Earth true warriors never die Continue reading true warriors never die By Car Johnson The only insult comic I could find was some drunk on a street corner, and he took his job way too seriously for my tastes. And his insults weren’t even all that good, just slurred rants about passerby’s choice in footwear. After a few more random insults, I decided that maybe my search for an insult comic would be more fruitful at a comedy club Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 41 By Car Johnson Turns out that that my neighbor didn’t know much about performance art. What I did barely even qualified. All my Google searches brought up videos of speed painters, people cutting off their hair, or even just some chicks (at least I think they were chicks) dancing in white pom-pom costumes. Since I couldn’t paint or dance and I liked my hair the way it was, Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 40 By Car Johnson After watching clips of Evel Knievel on Youtube, I decided to become a daredevil. It looked so glamorous and thrilling, plus I’d be able to wear a rhinestone jumpsuit and not end up stared at like some sort of freak. Which was a good thing, since jumpsuits were so warm and cozy. Candy would be my assistant and warm up the crowd with knock knock Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 39 By Car Johnson Christmas is a wild time for the Johnson clan. We all try to outdo each other in decorating and gift giving, while pulling off out annual Christmas pranks and waiting for Uncle Frank’s super Christmas party. It is always on a random date that would be revealed to the family through coded greeting cards. The first thing I had to do to get ready for Continue reading Car Johnson Christmas Special – The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 38 By Car Johnson I couldn’t find any open lifeguard training services, so I decided to become a freelance lifeguard, rushing to the aid of helpless swimmers, like some sort of superhero. Candy agreed to be my sidekick, since had learned CPR for her current job as an exotic dancer. Apparently, old men’s’ hearts went kaput quite a bit when Candy came out to dance. We’d be the perfect Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 37 By Car Johnson Candy’s parents came bearing chocolates and wild stories of their days in the circus. After Candy left the door-to-door salesman cult, they did too, heading to Milwaukee to start a normal life. Unfortunately, Mr. And Mrs. Carson had no clue how to lead a normal life. So, they pasted an extra pair of ears on their heads and joined a traveling circus as two of Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 36 By Car Johnson Candy loved the bed and breakfast idea. She said we could buy an old house and place little doilies around quaint antique furniture. I thought that was too dull. Our bed and breakfast shouldn’t just be another place that served tea and tiny cakes to old ladies. It should be a place that people remembered, that stuck in their heads like one of Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 35 I would tell you I love you I would tell you I love you, But to do that would take words, How can words tear apart a galaxy? And pull planets and the Orion belt closer… Because like a hole in space, I am drawn to thee, Not yearning for release or to be set free, But to exist without bliss or desire for empathy. Because to know bliss Continue reading I would tell you I love you By Car Johnson Candy told me I should use the minister certificate I had gotten for mass my toy funeral as something more than a makeshift plate. After finishing my nachos and wiping the crumbs away, I told her she was right. It had taken two hours to go online and become a minister of CyberCross Online Church, and so far the time had been wasted. (It would Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 34 By Car Johnson Blasting up old toys got boring after a while. As yet another piece of Lego hit me in the face, I decided to try my hand at ballroom dancing. I don’t know why this came to mind while looking at exploding bits of my childhood, but it seemed like a fun idea. Of course, I’d have to spice it up a bit. There was no Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 33 Guantanamo 1145 Hours, October 14, 1947 Bob Weicha enjoyed being Officer-of-the Day. It was a good change of pace, being treated like an admiral. Trouble was, it happened only on the days he wore the black armband bearing those two white letters, “OD.” At that moment, he was officially the highest ranking officer on the base and he liked the importance. Even his fellow officers at the McCalla Field Mess Continue reading The Observer Chapter 2 Guantanamo By Car Johnson My toy cemetery idea was coming along nicely. I bought a plot of land from my independently wealthy six year old cousin cousin Timmy for twelve dollars, two swizzle sticks and a Winnie the Pooh ice pack. The land wasn’t much to look at, and your feet sank in ten inched if you tried to walk on it. But thirteen acres of dirt and old Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 32 |
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