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By Car Johnson The Carlightenment road trip started two weeks after I gave my friend Douglas the designs for my decorated semi. It took him a while to get it just right, but everything was ready to bring my Carlightenment self help course to the world. Uncle George was not pleased. He tried to talk me out of my “foolish endeavor,” but after a phone call from his Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 52 By Car Johnson So, I decided to take Carlightenment to the next level. First I needed to get a whole new advertising system set up, one that would show the world just how great it would be if they took Carlightenment for a drive. My Uncle George, the wealthy black sheep of the family, would be the man to go to. He owned a marketing company and knew Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 51 By Car Johnson Too bad I had forgotten to create an actual program for my first customer to buy. Now what? I couldn’t just send him a blank piece of paper and say he needed to come up with his own answers. My cousin Gilbert tried that with his trivia book and it didn’t go over too well. So, the only thing to do was scramble and get Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 50 By Car Johnson I’ve decided to sell the most practical thing ever conceived: me. Everyone needs a Car, or at least the concept. So, I planned on starting a consulting service to help people embrace their inner Car. I’d call it Car Works Enterprises and make it the go to company for anyone interested in embarking on the path to Carlightenment, a term I made up when I Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 49 The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 48 By Car Johnson Since I was doing so well in the romance department, I decided to write a book on how to attract the opposite sex. It would be filled with all the advice I’d gathered over the years, like always make sure to compare your date to your mother to show how sensitive your are, and Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 48 Ancient Tents Maim said, “A long time ago before anything you know, your race was living on the planet that you call Earth, you were less technologically advanced but you were conscious and intelligent, your civilization was living in small leather houses and used to share everything for the good of the group.” Chris, “Leather houses? Sounds like Native Americans.” Maim said, “Perhaps, but you were very peaceful and Continue reading Terra Chapter 5 First Encounter By Car Johnson I started being stalked a few weeks ago. Someone kept following me around, leaving notes on my car’s windshield, telling me how much they loved my singing and how my hair reminded them of a burning trash fire and they wanted to shave it off and weave it into a shirt. After reading these notes, I danced for joy. Someone actually liked my work enough Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 47 By Car Johnson My play would take the world by storm. I decided to name it Sweetopia and take it in an entirely new direction. Instead of actors, I would use puppets, and not just any puppets. My puppets would be cow fetuses, bringing a whole new level of awesomeness to the story. Of course, I would have to explain why the play had costumed cow fetuses playing Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 46 By Car Johnson I handed Candy her rose and made her wait ten minutes while I used the restroom. Then I got onto the back of her mo-ped, pointing the way to my special Valentines Day location. Candy wore a dress made out of strips of red kite tails and it fluttered in the wind like some pieces of fabric fluttering in the wind. We puttered along, singing Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 45 Why did the slice of white bread hire a math tutor? Enrichment. -Tyler By Car Johnson Since Valentines Day was coming up, I decided to plan the most awesome, super, romantic date experience for Candy and myself. The most romantic place I could think of was the hill where I played as a child. Sure, it was in the middle of a garbage dump and smelled like old socks, but it was isolated from the hustle and bustle of town and Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 44 By Car Johnson My mother revealed to me that she too harbored a secret wish to sing. She didn’t want to be a country music star like me, but a star of her own brand of singing, which she called Yodel Rap. Mother invented it one night while watching a Snoop Dogg video and reading Yodeling Weekly at the same time. Before that, her dream to sing had Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 43 By Car Johnson The man from the comedy club (whose name was Charlie Sanders) decided to become my new music agent. He also happened to be a manager as well and said it would take a while to book my first gig and suggested I build a name for myself in the same manner he did for his footwear activism… by singing on a street corner after I Continue reading The Life and Times of Car Johnson Part 42 |
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