Perhaps my existence has become synonymous.
The land and the king may be one. But my subservience to the many has drained me, only to be renewed on a daily basis…just enough.
It was such hubris and perhaps slothlike greed which made me want to withold technologies such as Rocketless Semi-orbital Satellite Insertion.
Monetize, what a joke.
How could I ever monetize a system which will require several lifetimes to complete.
…especially at my rate of development.
Although I must say confining options has proven extremely effect for creative construction. This of course hasn’t come by any stretch of will-power or spiritual fortitude of myself.
On the contrary my most recent leaps in progress have been due to the destruction quite by accident and attrition of my primary computer.
Perhaps a simpler maze is all that is required for one to find a complex solution. Or maybe it isn’t about the maze being simpler, maybe it’s about segmenting the maze.
Quantized units of struggle that test rather than antagonize. And when the test taker quits…antagonize rather than test.
And even with all the encouraging progress that people have had with urban farming, vertical agriculture and open source technologies…one would think I’d be both hopeful and happy.
And of course I am.
But there is a fruitlessness to it all.
Why push the envelope when the letter is never going to be sent in the first place?
I guess emotions are challenging because the same ones that allow for rapid development are the same ones that are painful to activate.
That’s been my Achilles heel for years. It doesn’t matter how good an idea or item is, bad packaging is bad packaging.
My raw, unpolished packaging and perhaps attitude is probably going to hold me back forever.
It’s been two months and I haven’t even put all my paintings up.
The last time I was in this position was…11 years ago.
I think I can manage much better now, but it’s different. Loneliness isn’t there, I think the internet quite sickly defeated loneliness a long time ago.
There is still frustration and apathy. But compared to loneliness, those emotions are like bugs, squashed after a good night’s sleep and a bowl of cereal.
I can remember what loneliness felt like then, it was so strange. There is this urge to seek outward rather than dig in and create.
Feeling cold, that’s a terrible feeling. If MECE did anything for me, removing that cold feeling definitely has value. A cold that no flame can warm.
No hearth can melt. A cold that aches and tears apart until there are no structures left to resist the abyss.
Yep, glad I’m done with that one.
Yet what is left?
If I age too quickly and don’t achieve anything, will my life be a waste?
What would my mitochondria say about this?
Edits, communication, sacrifice, modification, growth, consumption, explanation, work, contraction, rest…these are all valid methods.
What do these all have in common? They all seem to be active words. Active little mitochondria…it’s no wonder.
Rest, even rest…maybe that’s the link in the chain.